July 1st is International Joke Day! I love me some good jokes. I think everyone has their own flavor of humor and these are some jokes that taste oh so good to me. My brother, Tom, and I would laugh for hours as we’d read these totally silly one-liners. He likes a good joke, too. In fact, he’s probably one of the funniest people I know. Not all the time, he’s not like a big joker, but he’ll say hysterically funny things in regular conversation. I think it’s because he’s very smart. I think smart people can be very funny. Like one time, my brother and I were driving and I was telling him about this interesting book I was reading on multiple personality disorders. He asked me if he’d read it and I told him I didn’t think so and continued telling him about it. He asked me if he’d read it again and I looked sideways at him and said “I’m pretty sure you haven’t.” I continued telling him about it and he stopped me a third time and asked me if I’d read it. I wasn’t sure if he was hearing me or what his deal was but I turned to him and said “NO.” I started talking again and he interrupted with, “What about me?”
Here he is with me and our mom:
We’re quite the fashionable fam, wouldn’t ya say? Off to a movie premiere with our ward young men and young women.
Okay, but here are some funny Jack Handy one-liner’s Tom and I would laugh at for hours. Hope you enjoy them as much as we do on this once-a-year International Joke Day!
When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
“If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”
“I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.”
“If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, ‘Can’t you make it shoot farther?’ ‘No, I’m sorry. That’s as far as it shoots.’ “
“Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. “
“Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.”
“If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. “
“Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.”
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.